Hercules and Xena - The Animated Movie: The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998) - A Dated Mess in All the Wrong Ways

Anybody remember those cheesy live-action shows about Hercules and Xena from the 1990s? They had Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless as the lead roles and all the stuff? Well, those shows were a bit before my time, so I don't have any memory of them, I don't even know if they were cheesy, I just kind of assume they are because, you know 90s action show pre-Game of Thrones, TV budget and what not. Well, in 1998 (my VHS says 1997 but all other sources say 1998), there was a direct to video animated feature starring both of the legendary warriors, and quite frankly, one would have to be told it was from the 1990s.

After Zeus takes Hercules' mother to Mount Olympus, Hera, in a fit of rage, decides to summon the four titans to dethrone Zeus and the other gods. Hercules and Xena must get to Mount Olympus, defeat the titans and save the world. The plot is simple, and they try to give more to it by adding in subplots like Xena's friend being turned into a giant eagle, or Hercules thinking Zeus kidnapped his mother. Wile saying these subplots go nowhere would be wrong as they both play big parts in the story, the only thing they really lead up to is a boring song part way towards the climax. However, simple plots are fine in any movie, as if you boil down any movie to the bare basics you get a simple plot, what really drives a good story are the characters.

While I don't know a lot about the shows that Hercules and Xena originated from, most of the characters in this movie are bland and cookie cutter. Zeus is Zeus, imagine any incarnation of Zeus and that's basically what you have. They try to give him some humanity, but I'm fairly sure that there are other incarnations that do this better. Xena's friend Gabrielle has little character, spending most of the movie as a giant eagle, and Hercules' friend Iolaus, is kind of annoying. None of these characters were really interesting enough to want to follow them on their journey, even when they were in battle, I was mostly browsing Tumblr waiting for something else to happen.

As for the gods and titans, they're about as cookie cutter as a Wal-Mart baking isle. Of the massive pantheon of Greek gods, they went with five gods total, Zeus, Hera, Artemis, Aphrodite and Ares. The only one to get any real character is Aphrodite and they give her a hippie, surfer, spirtualist character that is kind of annoying. The titans are generic rough and tough bad guys and Hera is a generic villain, right down to her evil plan being to take over the world. Quite frankly, Kid Icarus Uprising couldn't come fast enough.

As alluded to prior, this is a musical, and of the musicals I have scene, this one is one of the worst. There are three songs in this movie, and the only one that was palatable was the opening song, but that doesn't mean it was good. The titan's song is generic and repetitive and Xena's song (Because of course the main female character has a song) is a slow, boring and bland ballad. There's no real "Hakuna Matata" or "Goofy Goober Rock" or even a "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" in the movie, no musical piece that really stands out. Even the background music is kinda generic in this movie, half the time I didn't even notice there was any background music.

But none of that is what makes this movie dated, well it is, but this movie straight up looks dated. The animation and art-style look straight out of the 1960s. I knew that direct to video movies were cheap, and I've seen some really cheap looking movies, but this is the worst of them. Golden Films at least look like they belong in the 1990s, Disney's direct to video movies look better. I have never seen this kind of problem before, this movie was a 1990s production, and it pulls all the same cost-saving corner cutting that cartoons in the 60s and 70s did.

Backgrounds are two solid colours, character movement is stilted, I don't even think I've ever seen a character move and talk at the same time. Lips won't move when they can get away with it, and some movements are way too fast. It's kind of a movie you have to see to believe, especially when it comes to the facial animations. Seriously, the movie's facial animations are terrible, and hilariously awful. Character's often have goofy and exaggerated expressions and some of these faces are quite frankly meme worthy. Seriously, if you're a meme creator, I recommend this movie just so you can get stills of the characters' faces.

Other than that though, the movie is a mess. Bland characters, a simple story, generic music and some seriously dated animation that make this movie look older than it actually is. It's not even an interestingly bad movie, as a lot of the movie is forgettable and boring. If it was actually a worse movie, I might actually slightly recommend it, but it's not even so bad it's good, it's just a bland, out-dated mess of a movie that is not worth remembering, let alone watching.

Robinson Crusoe (AKA The Wild Life) (2016) - An Unfunny, Uninteresting and Ugly Movie

I wanted to review a different movie this week, but since I've been clearing out my room, I've packed it away for the time being. So I decided to look at one of the movies I randomly found in a Walmart bargain bin to see if it was worth the eight dollars it was priced at.

The cover may say that the title is The Wild Life, and that is correct, but only in North America, in other regions it was released as Robinson Crusoe. It is a Belgian-French production released in 2016, and is, as the title would suggest, based on the Robinson Crusoe story by Daniel Defoe, though I'm gonna have to assume loosely. I've never read the original text, or seen any of the other adaptations. I went into the movie completely blind and what I got was a boring wreck that would have left me stranded.

When Robinson Crusoe gets shipwrecked on the shores of a mysterious island, he comes across many animals that are, at first, afraid of him, but as time goes on Crusoe and the animals end up becoming good friends and build a tree house and a watchtower. All the while a group of evil cats are plotting to remove Crusoe from the island and kill the other animals. Did that plot sound exciting? No? Well now you know problem number one with the movie.

The plot is bare bones. They try to flesh it out by having another character be apprehensive and skeptical towards Crusoe, but all this amounts to having her fly off and be chased by the cats. There is a scene where she sabotages the watchtower by blowing out the candles, but it leads to nothing, there is no great character turn around, no moment of realization that she was in the wrong, nothing. What we get instead, is plenty of scenes that contain nothing but movement, I believe internet critics have dubbed this kind of scene "Movement porn".

As for the characters, there really isn't any. Crusoe is just kind of the likable doofus, Tuesday the parrot is optimistic and get this, wants more than his boring life, where have I heard that before? The cats are just your generic evil villains, they start off being manipulative and cunning, but they end up being bloody-thirsty savages by the end of the movie. The rest of the cast is kind of one-note, the goat's entire character is that he's old, the tapir's entire character is that she's fat, the pangolin and echidna characters have none. The only other character to be slightly more fleshed out would the female bird Kiki, as she is the one who is skeptical of Crusoe for most of the movie. Again though, she has no real arc, no turn around, it goes from one minute she can't trust Crusoe or the ground he walks on, and then the next minute she's concerned for his well being. The characters leave a lot to be desired in this movie and offer nothing.

Humour wise, this movie fails. Most of the humour is slapstick and it doesn't stick. Characters don't really react to their hits and falls. In one moment, Crusoe could get hit by a board, and his only reaction would be an "Oof" or an "Ah", and not even the animals get any really funny reactions out of being hit or falling down, and the characters get beaten around a lot in this movie. As for other types of humour, there really isn't any. There is no clever wordplay or wisecracks made, characters don't really comment on anything really absurd and the only other joke we really get is the Tapir waving it's butt at the camera.

The only saving grace this movie has is the animation, but even then not by much. The movie looks bright and colourful, and kind of ugly as well. Well nothing is technically wrong with the animation, I found it to be unpleasant to look at for very long. The cat's looked ugly, ragged and scrawny, they looked worse than the early Computer Animated cat from the 1960s. The settings looked okay, but for 2016, it could have been better. While nothing is technically wrong with the animation, it left a lot to be desired.

Really though, that is the best way to summarize this movie, it left a lot to be desired. It's hard to get mad at the movie for the crime of being boring, but even then in the case of "It could've been better", movies like The Stolen Princess are worse in that regard. There are movies that are really bad and movies that are really insulting, The Wild Life is just boring and unfunny. It's hard to be angry at this movie as it doesn't do anything offensive or exceedingly bad, but at the same time it's hard to really care for this movie. It offers nothing outside of being background noise for parents who want to let the TV babysit their kids, in that respect I do kinda hate this movie, but unlike trash like Duck Duck Goose or any Video Brinquedo or Wow Now Entertainment knock-offs, it's mostly harmless. If you see it in a bargain bin for cheap, and I mean very cheap, it might distract your kids once or twice, but even then I'd say skip it.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999) - Raunchy, distasteful and funnier than Hell itself.

South Park was an influential show for it's time, and even in some respects today. It was smart, witty and funny with it's commentary. It's been a while since I personally seen the show, but I remember watching some episodes when I was younger. It's a show that caused controversy just as much as it mocked it, so it should not be any shock that this show was big, and like all big things, it had its own movie.

South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut is an R rated movie that earns the R rating, using endless swears, a subplot that involves finding a clitoris, and the raunchy and smutty humour one would expect from an R rating.

The plot focuses on Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny who, after seeing an R rated movie, get into trouble by swearing in school. After an incident that ends up killing Kenny, the kids' parents end up imprisoning the stars of the movie and end up simultaneously causing a war, and the apocalyptic rise of Satan. The synopsis is hilarious on it's own and yes, makes little sense out of context, but the plot is pretty easy to follow. Each plot point flows well into the next and there is little question about how, by the end of the movie, the harmless act of sneaking into an R rated movie, ends with apocalypse.

The movie does have two subplots that interconnect with the main plot. There is a subplot about Stan trying to win the affection of a girl he likes, and a subplot about Satan dealing with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't really care for the former subplot, but I don't usually care for those subplots anyway. The secondary subplot is interesting as it's one of the few portrayals of Satan that isn't evil incarnate. The plots do mesh well together as they feed into the main plot, but the plot isn't really the main focus of this movie, as this movie is both a comedy and a musical.

Yep, this is a musical and it's not bad. Many of the songs are pretty good as well as humorous. They are both well written and well made, which is kinda funny considering that the characters don't have the best singing voices, but they never come off as annoying. Songs like "Blame Canada" and "Kyle's Mom" are also very funny and super catchy, as a Canadian myself, I hum "Blame Canada" a lot when I'm walking or doing something quiet. That said, not every song is great, but there wasn't a song in the movie that I felt was awful, just forgettable at worst.

As a comedy, good lord this movie had me howling with laughter. Scenes like the classroom scene where they all get in trouble for swearing, the boys watching German pornography and the ending scene where Kenny gave this heart-filled speech while being muffled by his hood had me almost rolling on the floor, while the social commentary not only had me laughing, but also got me thinking. The commentary made by this movie about how America treats it's children and sees violence and swearing are all interesting points and are usually made by a funny joke. Jokes like the kids trying to speak with their mothers while they are ignoring them and starting a rally are funny, but then you start to think about what this joke is saying. It's also kind of funny how the movie ends with apocalypse, and it all began by some kids swearing. The humour of this movie had me in stitches and never stopped.

The animation is also pretty good, I love how ambitious the movie gets with the camera and character movement. When you think of cut-out animation you would think of limited character movement and stilted limb movements, but the movie has characters spinning around and dramatic camera motions, and it's actually really well done. The way they animate the depths of Hell makes the location much more memorable in the movie and it's pretty well done. The CG may not have aged well by the standards of today, but even still it looks good and very rarely clashes with the cut-out style characters.

The characters are what we'd expect, the kids are as they were in the show with Cartman being the bratty jerk that he normally is and so on. Satan is also a great character, being a different portrayal of the lord of darkness than many would be used to. Some would say that this incarnation is much like a Disney princess and honestly, I agree, but what better way to make fun of such a cliche than by making the very character type Satan? The characters all have believable motivations and entertaining antics that make this movie an entertaining watch.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. It's raunchy, clever with it's commentary and very entertaining to watch. While this style of humour might not be for everyone, if you are a fan of the show or this kind of comedy I can not recommend this movie enough. Even then, the movie has a good soundtrack, good animation and some great commentary. Even if you're not a fan of this type of humour, I'd recommend this movie just for those aspects alone. It's a comedy classic nobody would want to miss.

Yellow Submarine (1968) - Bizarre, Psychedelic and Weird.

It can't be of any surprise that one of the biggest bands in the world had a movie, actually The Beatles had a couple movies mostly due to contractual obligations, but that's another story. Yellow Submarine was the third movie made under this contract, and it was also probably a major loophole too. The Beatles only took a minor role appearance wise in this movie as the animated Beatles were voiced by different actors. Considering the time period this movie was made in and the lack of involvement from the band, you'd think the movie would be a total mess. The end result however, is a psychedelic, bizarre and fascinating film.

Yellow Submarine is about The Beatles being taken to Pepperland to help stop an invasion by the Blue Meanies. As this movie is a musical, plot takes a back seat to the settings, which are mostly bizarre locations they go past in the titular Yellow Submarine. These settings include the Sea of Time, Sea of Monsters, Sea of Nothing and The Sea of Holes. Some of these encounters really only exist so they can have a musical number, like the Sea of Science where they do nothing except play "Only a Northern Song". That is not to say that some of these settings don't forward the plot in anyway, scenes like the Sea of Nothing introduce an important character to the film while also having their song number. It's kind neat how some scenes have their cake and eat it too.

As this is a musical starring The Beatles, it only makes sense that the soundtrack is comprised of their music. Aside from background compositions, each song in the soundtrack is taken from a previous Beatles album, including Rubber Soul, Revolver, Magical Mystery Tour and of course, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, one of my personal favourite albums ever.

Yeah, this is where I'm going to admit a bit of bias here as I love The Beatles. While I don't like all the group's music, the soundtrack to this movie is overall pretty solid. "Nowhere Man", "Elanor Rigby" and "Hey Bulldog" are great songs and could be considered for my favourite Beatles song, but the movie also has my favourite song by the band as well. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" is not only my favourite Beatles song, but it also leads to a very visually impressive moment in the film. The soundtrack really isn't going to shock anybody, and it won't do anything for people that aren't fans of The Beatles, but I do think the selected songs work.

The art-style is a crazy mix, some abstract and cartoony designs, such as in the Sea of Monsters, and some rotoscope looking designs, like in England. One would think these styles would clash, but the movie reserves most of the more realistic designs for backgrounds after the band leaves England, leaving the cartoony and abstract designs in the forefront. It's more the animation where the film's visuals fall apart. Not to discredit the hours of hard work the many animators put into this movie, but there was still some stilted character movement and some animation errors, like a flower popping in and out of existence. The rest of the animation looks pretty smooth, although I can give this movie some leeway as this was made in the 1960s by a studio that wasn't Disney. In many respects, this movie might have been a huge gamble at the time. The song sequences are also very well animated. The segments for "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and "Only a Northern Song" are psychedelic beauties to watch, and "Nowhere Man" is very creative with the characters leaving behind colours and patterns as they move around in this blank white world of nothing.

The characters are entertaining enough. The Beatles make a lot of dry remarks to each other and the settings, and Captain Fred is an energetic character. My two favourite characters are Jeremy Hillary Boob and the Chief Blue Meanie. Jeremy is a bizarre character who can do almost anything, writing with his feet, painting a playable piano and speaking in rhyme. He is introduced as this productive and happy being, but he has his moments of being sad, frustrated and embarrassed. He's an entertaining character to watch for sure, but the Chief Blue Meanie really steals the show. His voice acting and animation are done really well, and he is just a blast to witness. He yells and screams and laughs and he's just a lot of fun.

Yellow Submarine is a bizarre, strange and fascinating movie, and dare I say it, it's also very unique. I've never seen a movie like Yellow Submarine before, and it all comes down to the animation. Yellow Submarine really shows off the medium of animation and what you can achieve with it. It's one of those movies that would not work as a live-action film, and I don't think it would have worked as a 3D motion-capture remake either. For Beatles fans, this is a must see, for musical and animation fans, I'd also recommend this highly. Even taking the visuals out, the soundtrack is good, the humour is mildly amusing and the Blue Meanie alone makes this movie worth seeing at least once. Yellow Submarine is a bizarre, psychedelic and strange movie, and that is what makes it so wonderful and unique.

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002) - A fascinatingly designed, and brilliant movie

DreamWorks never really got the credit it deserved when it came to their 2D animated movies. Aside from The Prince of Egypt, none of them got the recognition they deserved. Not many people talk about these movies like they do How to Train Your Dragon or Kung Fu Panda. It's really a shame because when it came to traditional animated movies, I think DreamWorks were on par, if not better, than Disney was at the time.

But looks are one thing, how's the rest of the movie?

Spirit is about the misadventures of a horse, who gets dragged from one rough situation to the next. He gets taken away from his homelands and disciplined into being a war horse. He then meets a Native Lakota named "Little Creek", who also tries to tame him, with help from his own horse, a mare named Rain. After an invasion on the Lakota tribe, Spirit is then hauled off to a work camp to haul a train up a mountain. Until he finally meets up with Little Creek once more for a climactic ride away from the American Calvary.

Normally in movies like this, we would typically be privy to the main character's thoughts via anthropomorphism or narrated monologue. Spirit does use a narrator, but he never stays for very long, and is mostly there to help children understand the more complicated emotional aspects of the story. The narrator mostly takes a back seat to the body language and facial expressions of the horses. I think this was a smart idea and the perfect middle ground. This way, children won't be too confused by all that complicated emotional stuff, and the adults won't be annoyed by the constant interruption of an unnecessary narrator. While some people may find the narrator annoying, I personally never felt like he gave everything away, and that he was silent when the moment needed him to be. It's kinda like The Muppet Christmas Carol, where the narrators are silent when the moment needs them to be.

Even without the dialogue, Spirit still has a strong character. The will to never be broken, which earns him the name Spirit in the end, and his pension for mischief make him a fun character. One minute he's feigning death to kick a train down a hill, and the next he's playfully leaping into a river splashing around with Little Creek. The movie also doesn't shy away from more painful emotions, giving Spirit a somber moment where he thinks that he's lost everything. He pulls himself away from the other horses, he's quiet, he stares out of the window. This really humanizes Spirit and makes him a very relatable character.

Little Creek is also a good character, being very free willed and gentle. The Colonel is very stubborn and set in his ways, which makes it all the more satisfying at the end when he keeps another man from shooting Spirit and Little Creek, letting them go with just a nod, as if to say "You win".

The movie is one of the best looking and best animated movies I've ever seen. The American fields and skyline look amazing, and the bright and clear blue sky adds colour to the dull and dry deserts. Moments like the sunset over the horizon were breathtaking and the falling snow becoming horses was easily one of the best moments of the movie, showing the emotional weight of Spirit's situation while also being a very beautiful scene. The way that the horses move and their body language is so well animated that you can imagine what they're feeling as they speak to each other. It's a shame that DreamWorks stopped making traditional movies after Sinbad because they did an amazing job of it.

Spirit was an amazing movie, not only was it a beautifully animated movie, but it was also very interestingly designed. Not having the horses talk and using the narrator as little as they did really made the movie a unique experience. Not to mention that the action in this movie got really tense, the characters were well established and the soundtrack, even if it was by Bryan Adams, was still really well done. I personally think that Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron should be up there with The Prince of Egypt and How to Train Your Dragon as one of DreamWorks' best animated features. I really recommend seeing this movie, even just out of curiosity sake, it's worth seeing.